The name stays for now

I had a baby BOY. But he came in like a diva, so I won't change the name of my blog just yet 😂 

Little Kayde, my rainbow. This is your story. I have so much to say......

Around 25 weeks pregnant my blood pressure was  up. So my doctor put me in the hospital "just to closely monitor my pressures on the medicine to see what it does" .... that was the beginning of a very crazy month. And also the last time I worked. I had no idea when I walked in to my regular doctor appointment that would be it. The baby was looking great. I had several ultrasounds. This is all I cared about. Me, on the other hand, not so much. I felt off, I was puffy all over- not horribly but enough that I knew this was going to be a long, hard summer. My favorite time of day was when I floated like a whale in my bathtub (or the pool was nice too). My first hospital stay was miserable. I've never been hospitalized for anything, besides my previous deliveries, so I felt very trapped. I saw a different doctor every day, no one talked about when I would go home, no one was on the same page.

I finally went home after 5 nights on bed rest. And I was compliant. I stayed in bed other than to eat and God did I miss my girls so much. They are so smart, they understood that I could not get up and take them places like I would be in the summer. I was feeling about the same, watching my blood pressure on the ton of medicine I was sent home on with this deluxe smart monitor my dad bought me. I followed up with my doctor and things were still "okay" though she said she knew I would deliver early, it was a question of when. She set me up to see one of her partners the next week because she was going to be out of town. The day of my appointment with the other doctor was the day the rug was pulled out from under me. I couldn't sleep the night before and I got up at 5am to try to sleep on the couch. Pain at the top of my stomach was severe, I felt like I could not breathe. I know we tell people not to google symptoms but I knew something was wrong (look, I know a lot but I don't know everything) and epigastric pain is a sign of preeclampsia/HELLP syndrome. I also felt like I could've been having a heart attack- dramatic? Maybe but it was also possible being it was a side effect of a med I was on. 

So off we went to the hospital. There was no question about being admitted and it happened pretty quickly. I was on the "high risk" unit the first time I came in. This time I was admitted to labor and delivery. Why though? I'm not due until September this can't be right. This can't be happening. "The doctor from the NICU is going to come talk to you just incase" ... what? Not necessary. I'm not going to be a nicu mom. Not this early. Maybe in 6 weeks but not yet.... 

💔 by 5pm that evening the doctors were talking induction and making sure baby was head down. Either that night or the next morning, we were having a baby. Ready or not- they didn't want to risk it any further. I was being stuck like a pin cushion, checking HELLP panels. Since I was admitted a week and a half before the protein in my urine went from 304 (right on the border of okay) to 1700 (not so much) and the HELLP panel was showing an increase in liver enzymes and decrease in platelets (all bad). It was time to get the baby out safe before we both had to go to ICU. The doctors were much more reassuring this time. I was put on Magnesium IV as soon as I got to the unit. Have you ever felt fire going through your veins? That's what it feels like. And then- darkness, low stimulation, frequent reflex checks. Misery. I was on that Thursday, Friday, and Saturday continuously. Misery. 

This was not your average beautiful birth story. But this was our beautiful birth story. By the afternoon it was recommended I get an epidural due to the risk of pain causing my blood pressure to get dangerously high which can cause seizures etc. I agreed. The next thing I know I'm sitting up getting an epidural and my blood pressure is bottoming out (irony). This was the moment the team of doctors, nurses and anesthesiologist decided it's time to get the baby out. Within 20 minutes we were in the OR, shaking hands with a new doctor cause shift change had happened, and I was having a c section. What? 

I did not see my baby. My baby was not held up for the room to see in this beautiful moment, no- I did not hear my baby cry like you normally would. For a brief moment it felt like he cut my heart out of my chest too. But I knew where I was. I knew this was the best place with the best people who took my baby away from me to make sure he was okay. This was the way it had to be. This sucks. This was not the plan. This is not okay. This is okay. My baby is going to be okay. 

24 long, painful hours in bed, unable to move. And I finally got to see him. He's tiny, he's beautiful, he's PERFECT. I'm as in love now as I ever was. The missing puzzle piece. I leave you with this- Life can be so hard, sometimes no matter how hard you try nothing will go as planned, it's not your fault. Find the sweet in your sea of suck. There's always a rainbow, you just have to look for it. 💙